


Never Have I Ever is an Unfair Game

by ChronicCanon



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Always, Attempt at Humor, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8202733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChronicCanon/pseuds/ChronicCanon
Summary: I wanted to procrastinate so here's snippets of Paladin Game Nights.Warning: cursing, stupidity, and not thinking things through





	1. Savage Pidge is Chaotic Neutral Pidge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want these dorks to talk about memes and roast each other.

"I swear to god if you've never played patty cake before-"  
"Never."  
"Holy shit. That's so fucking niche! You cheated!" Lance exclaimed.  
"It's not cheating, technically, but, also, yes," Hunk chimed in, "So officially and formally, fuck this one game in particular, and let's move on. Okay? Even though I'm fine with it."  
"And who decided that it was a good idea in the first place?" Pidge glared at Lance.  
"I didn't know it would be such a shitshow!"  
"Dude, my son, you're repressed, and Keith is an orphan, and Hunk is Hunk, I'm literally only 14." Pidge explained. "There was no way a game of Never Have I Ever would go well. We have just the right people to do too much and too little for this game."  
"Pidge is right." Hunk said. "Again."  
"You're just sorry we're only two rounds in and you're already almost dead in the water," Keith said.  
"I'm not! I'm winning!"  
"No, you're losing big time," Hunk said, placing a hand on Lance's shoulder. "Because you're kind of a mess."  
"Mama didn't raise no mess."  
"Then how do you account for it?" Keith asked.  
Pidge opted to stay out this just to strategize what questions could get the most people out the fastest. No concerns over Lance, though. He wasn't destined to stay in the game too much longer for sure. Besides, they'd brutally roasted Lance for the past few rounds and had to let the others have their turn.  
"Just forget it!" Pidge heard as they snapped out of their thoughts.  
"Next round, okay?" Lance continued.  
"Eager to lose, are we?" Keith asked.  
"Keith, go easy on him. We've kinkshamed him enough for one round."  
They sat in a circle. The circle went Lance, Hunk, Pidge, Keith. Lance was the loudmouth who decided on playing Never Have I Ever in the first place, so he started off, and almost immediately began a phenomenal losing streak.  
"Okay. Start the next round, then!" Keith said, and the four paladins present raised their fingers to recommence.  
"Fine. Never have I ever dressed as a girl," Lace spat out, "Pidge."  
"And never will you ever get with anyone who has."  
Lance was silent. Keith tried to choke his laughter. Hunk just slapped his hands to his face and leaned into Lance, yelling, "Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh."  
Lance scooted away and waved Hunk off.  
"You walked into it," Hunk said.  
"I walked into it," Lance said, still in a daze.  
"You walked further into it than you've ever gone in a girl," Pidge chimed.  
"Why does it have to be me?" Lance hung his shoulders, giving up, the Red and Yellow paladins almost in tears by now.  
"Okay, okay," Pidge said, trying to calm the others down. "How are we right now? How many do we have?"  
"5," Lance said.  
"9," Keith stared at his fingerless gloves, reverse flipping the bird at Lance and his abysmal score. Lance just mouthed, "Talk to the hand," and shoved his abysmal score closer to Keith's face.  
"10!" Hunk cheerily answered, wiggling fingers in pride.  
"And I have 10!" Pidge said, reaching over to give Hunk a high 10.  
"I still can't believe your horrible question cost me a point."  
"Hey! Hunk interjected, "We agreed it was no holds barred. That question was totally fair game. And, frankly, I was just targeting Lance."  
"How did you know?" Lance asked in an urgent hush.  
"You didn't have to ask if we'd ever got caught by a teacher at the Garrison."  
"Seriously, how did you know?" Lance asked in an even more urgent and even more hushed whisper.  
"Okay, honestly, Hunk, I don't think we have to rehash that moment," Pidge groaned. "Nobody wants to hear about their dates with Rosie Palms."  
"But Pidge. This is gold." Hunk explained.  
"It would be gold if the stories didn't start with the same giant Eevee plush from Garrison Senior Prank Day!"  
"Oh, boo. Hey! Do you think that if Pidgey ever does the do, they'll evolve into a Pidgeotto?" Hunk asked.  
"And when they first do it, it's with a guy. And they evolve into a Pidgeotto. Then when they do it again, it's with a girl. And then they evolve into a Pidgeot!" Lance added. "Go sit on a cactus. Both of you." Pidge replied, pushing up their glasses with their middle fingers.  
"Damn, Pidge. That's a little kinky."  
"Once they're done, I'll shove the whole cactus up your ass. Or maybe I'll just get your lights to stay on all night when you're trying to sleep. How's that sound, Keith?"  
"You just go to a dark, dark place sometimes, don't you Pidge?" Hunk asked, laughing.  
"They'll go to your dark, dark place with a cactus if you keep that up," came the smiling Red Paladin's reply.  
"Nice, Keith." Pidge said, shooting a thumbs up.  
"OKAY, SO THE GAME. FINGER DOWN, PIDGE." Lance yelled.  
"Which one? This one? Á la Keith?" Pidge asked, showing their middle finger, then complying with Lance, giving a joking smile.  
"Oh, buzz off." Lane replied.  
"Wow. I'm mortally wounded," Pidge countered. "How will I ever recover? I trusted you somewhat, Lance."  
"Okay, okay. I got one," Hunk butted in. "Never have I ever fantasized about a team member," Hunk said, shooting a smug smile at Lance.  
"And you say I go to a dark, dark place!" Pidge exclaimed, then looked at Lance. "You didn't..." they said, trying to stay in denial.  
"Wait-wait-wait-wait," Lance interrupted, flapping his hands to get Pidge and Hunk's attention, "Before we do anything. Define 'team member.'"  
"You didn't..." Pidge mumbled again. Denial, they found, was getting more and more difficult.  
"You know we don't need to define 'team member,' Lance. Just own up to it. You already told me once."  
Lance lowered another finger and stared at the ground, where they were all sitting cross-legged. He stared and let out a frustrated and exaggerated groan. "Get dunked on, Hunk."  
"You mean," Pidge said, "get Hunked on."  
"Pidge, no." Hunk said, voice beginning to waver.  
"Yeah, that really was junk." Pidge said. "I'll try to stop being such a punk. Or maybe I should just try to get out of this funk. My last couple of roasts must have really stunk compared to this, huh?"  
The groans in the room were audible and aplenty.  
"Oh, I'm just getting started. I hope you pun-derstand that this isn't class I'd..."  
"Don't DO IT!" Lance yelled.  
"... flunk." Pidge said with a soft smile.  
The other paladins continued their complaints.  
"Let's just move on," Keith groaned. "Pidge, spare us. Please. Just give us your go."  
"Wait!" Lance locked eyes on Keith's hand scoreboard. "Didn't you just have 9?"  
"No. I had 8."  
"No, you had 9, Keith," Hunk said.  
"No."  
"Yes. You had 9, and now you have 8. That means you could only have put it down this turn."  
"Pidge. Send help."  
"Oh, no. You're on your own, buddy." Pidge replied, chuckling. "The plot thickens." Lance said.  
"Hopefully, that's the only thing that thickens."  
Keith and Lance stared, mouths agape at Pidge as Hunk yelled, "Oooooh, nooooooooooo!"  
"Double fatality! It's like a half Tetris!" Hunk said, once he regained the ability for a semblance of proper speech after reeling.  
"Just bury me while I still have some dignity," Lance sighed.  
"You never had any dignity, Lance," Keith said.  
"Bruh!" Pidge laughed.  
"That's real rich coming from you! You said yes to the same never-have-I-ever statement!" Lance fought for his life.  
"Yeah, but I literally have double the amount of lives left than you." Keith responded. "I'm still better."  
"Ugh, why did you put me in this mess?" Lance grumbled.  
"Wait," Pidge commanded, as Lance's face fell. "What did you say?"  
"You know," Hunk said, before Lance could reply, "it sounded something like 'why did you put me in this mess'." Hunk coyly added. "Or am I mistaken in my convictions?"  
Lance softly grumbled, "No," and shot a dirty look a Pidge. "Pidge, it's your turn. Could you please?"  
"Okay," Pidge said, with a little more certainty than Lance felt comfortble with. He suddenly realized Keith had moved further out of the once-tight circle, or rectangle, they had made on the floor. "Never have I ever," Pidge started, "I have so much power here - anyway - never have I ever..." they trailed off as Lance squirmed in his seat. "Hm, used that teammate fantasy to get off."  
"Go eat an entire ass, Pidge," Lance said as he went down to three fingers. He quickly glanced over at Keith, who now had seven fingers held up.  
"Was that the fantasy?" Hunk asked. A sincere "ew!" came from Pidge, who laughed with a bit of disgust mixed in.  
"We can stop playing this game, now," Keith said, leaning his head in his hand, only somewhat disappointed with how the game had played out. He was winning against Lance, at least, but he didn't think the 2nd loser punishment was much better than the first. They had decided to play Truth or Dare next, and that 4th place had to choose only dare, while 3rd place had to choose only Truth. 2nd place could alternate and actually choose, and 1st place could choose and had three passes per game. It was a terrbile but great system.  
"We're in the middle of a round, Keith! We have to get this done!" Pidge explained.  
"It's technically my turn now, isn't it?" he asked. He was greeted to a chorus of confirmations.  
"Alright. Then never have I ever stayed up all night over a fantasy." Keith proudly (somehow) stated.  
Lance sighed as he lowered another finger. "Get wrecked, Keith," Lance said as he opted to switch to two middle fingers, stating, "This is for flaming me enough to turn me into Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, fuckers."  
Before Lance realized what was happening, the other three paladins began groaning "boo" and Ebony-isms.  
"Oh, you like that, huh?" Lance began, getting ready for his fishing blow. "Never have I ever read My Immortal in full."  
The other members of the circle lowered their scores.  
"Yes! Yes!" Lance cried "It's not just me! How's your perfect record now, Hunk?" He was a little overenthusiastic considering he was sill losing by at least 5 points.  
"You sound a little overenthusiastic considering you're still losing by at least 5 points," Hunk countered.  
"Let me have my moment!"  
"No," was Pidge's immediate reply.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #shitpostcentral
> 
> A list of prompts.  
> L1: never have I ever lost in MarioKart.  
> H1: never have I ever got caught masturbating. LANCE.  
> P1: never have I ever given a little sister makeup tutorials. LANCE.  
> K1: never have I ever gotten drunk.  
> L2: never have I ever gotten drunk 100% on purpose.  
> H2: never have I ever crashed a party.  
> P2: never have I ever driven a car illegally.  
> K2: never have I ever played patty-cake.


	2. Death to the Heretic

Knockknockknock.  
"Open the door!" Keith shouted.  
"No way! You're all just going to roast me again," Lance complained. "I'm skipping game night!"  
"There's no 'skipping game night,' Lance," Hunk said.  
"Yes, there is! Shiro hasn't even been a part of game nights so far," Lance shot back.  
"That's different!" Hunk retorted through the door.  
"Knock, knock. Get the door. It's the Pidgeon," Pidge shouted through the partition.  
"No, I don't want to."  
"This is so immature, Lance, honestly!" Pidge complained. Hunk added, "Come oooon." Keith just kept knocking the door, shooting a death glare through the steel.  
"No! And you can't call me immature when you're the one asking for a game night!"  
"It's a bonding exercise! We work better as a team like this. It's on Allura's orders, remember?" said Keith.  
"You can yell all you want - all night, for all I care! Headphones are coming on in T-minus-"  
This got the other paladins to ring out their comments in a cacophonous chorus of complaints.  
"Stop bitching and just get out here!" Pidge yelled.  
"I'll only roast you in my head, okay? Will that make it better?" Hunk offered.  
"I'll switch punishments with you, if you get out here," came Keith's halfhearted suggestion. "I'll take the dares."  
"Okay, I'll open the door, but I am not - n-o-t - not going to join without a switch in game rules."  
"Fucking 5 year old," Lance heard when he stepped out the doorway.

"Couldn't it have been poker? I'm great at poker," Lance mused as he sat down. "I could probably beat you all so hard at poker, and I'd get space rich, and-"  
"Allura says no gambling, or she takes the prize money," Pidge said. "I asked. Several times. And she's not changing her opinion on it."  
Hunk added on, "And if you weren't so averse to game night in the first place, we'd let you pick the games - I mean, as long as they fit into the theme."  
"But why is the theme 'Low-Tech Non-Board Games' tonight? That's so lame?"  
"Clearly, if you're that affected by it," Keith explained, "it's not that lame, is it?"  
"The heck do you mean?"  
"If it matters that much- "  
"Lance, honestly, it's not a difficult concept to grasp," Pidge interrupted. "Besides, we don't need any supplies with stupid games like these. Which only heightens the evidence of absolute stupidity in you."  
"True." Hunk said. "Hey!" Lance said glared at him in protest. "I'm not stupid. I'm just-"  
"Logically-challenged?"" Pidge suggested, to which the other paladins minus Lance giggled.  
"Okay. You know what? You know that's a lie."  
"Yeah, fine. You're not... that stupid," Pidge agreed.  
"Dude, seriously. All of you, knock it off. The roasts were fine but now it's just bitchy."  
"Bitchy?" Pidge asked, "You say 'bitchy'?"  
"When it applies," Lance said, "yeah."  
"Uuuugh," Hunk groaned. "Okay. That's as good a point as any to start the game."

"So," Pidge began, "basic rules. Hunk, you won, so you get earn a pass for every two you do. Keith and Lance, you're trading rules, so Keith, you're only going to get dares, and Lance, you're only going to get truths. And I just play the game normally. Any questions?"  
"You've explained this at least 3 times in the past hour. I think we get it," Keith complained.  
"Look," they said, adjusting their glasses, flashing a smile, "I'm just making sure. So, shall we begin?"

Lance thought back to recess in elementary school. The older kids on the playground introduced the younger ones to the game. Lance was savvy enough to pick just the right amount of dares to impress the other kids but the right amount of truths not to get unlucky with dumb dares. He liked the game, and somehow convinced some of his siblings to play it. They all thought he liked the game, so to humor him, Lance's siblings kept starting games. In the span of a few months, someone had somehow set fire to a small bucket of drying concrete, 5 different types of bugs had been eaten, some cousin's old porn stash was found lost in the attic, and Lance was scarred for the rest of his life from the dares dished out, between family and school. Dares had become a form of currency. It was fascinating in hindsight but also somewhat intimidating.  
But was he going to say that?  
"Just answer the question," Hunk said. "And this is us going easy on you!"  
"I just thought it would be funny to watch Keith get all the stupid dares. Not me," Lance lied, shrugging. "And you fell for it! Ha!"  
"Yeah, but I'm not the person with such bad judgement I have a metric shitton of dumb things I'd rather hide."  
"Well, according to our previous little game, I wouldn't be so sure of that!" came Keith's swift retort.  
"True, though," Pidge said. Hunk added on, "He's got a point, there."  
"You're siding with him? I trusted you!" Keith looked around at them all judging and, probably, kinkshaming him. Because that's what friends are for.  
"Well, you're supposed to be the impulsive one. Lance is just dum- doesn't think things through super well when we're not on a mission," Pidge explained, the situation starting to bore them.  
"God fucki- okay." Lance snapped. "No. Hunk, you're up, buddyboy. Truth or dare?"  
"I'd rather not subject myself to dares from the likes of you, and I probably have bad 'admitting stuff' karma left over from Never Have I Ever, so let's go with, Pidge, give me a dare."

About seventeen minutes later, Shiro found the book Allura and Coran were using to teach him Altean encased in a large mound of food goo in the shape of a tiny version of Shiro's lion.  
"Alllura?" he called into his helmet. "Food goo isn't supposed to stay upright, is it?"  
He was met with silence.  
"Allura? I think they broke something."  
Silence again.  
"Allura, please. I'd rather not deal with Pidge's chemistry experiments in space." Suddenly, there came a noise from the helmet's speaker.  
Calmly, Allura replied, "Shiro, get in the kitchen and bring the flamethrower."  
In the background, Coran screamed, "This isn't how I wanna go! I never even got to fly to VY Canis Majoris! I'm only 10,000 years old! I'm too young to die! And I never got to punch Zarkon in the face! Life is too short! Too short! Too short! Too sho-"  
Shiro turned the speaker off and went to find the kitchen.


	3. I Can't Actually Cook

Shiro swiftly ran through the hallways, making a beeline to the kitchen, carrying one Pidge's late-night insomnia-driven science projects from about two weeks back: a flamethrower, that ran on the same combustive reactant the Red Lion used. The kitchen door opened to reveal something big and green and ugly, with a frustrated, screaming Coran running to remove everything from its proximity, a tense and annoyed Allura pouring colorful liquids into a pan as she balanced on top of a chair, and a blinking red light overhead that illuminated the room as an obnoxious horn blared. But among all that, the most glaringly obvious problem was the overwhelming stench of smoke and the bubbling sound like some witch's brewing coming from the slimy non-food goo.  
"Allura, Coran, this reminds me of something," Shiro shouted across the room over the sound of demonic ooze gurgling.  
"Glad your memory works, but get in here and help us now, and reminisce later," Coran shouted, in the middle of hurdling old ingredients out of the way of the green glob, that expanded and seemed to swallow up anything in its proximity.  
"Shiro!" Allura looked up from the pan, now almost overflowing with some messy, uneven mixture of whatever was in those cabinets. Her voice sounded hoarse, possibly because she was higher up and breathing in some of the smoke the goo was releasing. "Get over here!" Just as she was about to give further instruction, the goop seemed to scream, cutting her off.  
"What is that? Revenge of the sith-stenance? A food d'état?" Shiro yelled over the scream and Allura's slight coughs, Coran somewhat occupied with his attempts at salvaging what the blob was encroaching on. He began advancing towards Allura, though the blob had already spread out somewhat significantly on the floor.  
The scream died down somewhat, and Allura said, "I'm going to need you to ready the flamethrower." She began, carefully swirling the pan. "You'll have to be quick. I'll pour this over the glop. It will react very violently with this solution, but it needs to be heated up to break the chemical bonds." Shiro nodded, "Okay," and began to set the device. Allura explained, "On my count of 3, I'll pour this out, and when it hits the goo, this fire has to be on it, or else it'll just get absorbed and won't take effect."  
"Got it!" Shiro yelled over another screech from the thing.  
"Quickly!" Coran yelled from the other end of the kitchen. "I'm running out of room."  
"Sorry, Coran!" Allura replied. "Now," she stopped swirling the concoction and gripped the handle with both hands.  
"One!"  
Shiro flicked open the valve.  
"Two!"  
Allura steadied herself like a baseball batter, raising the pan.  
"Three!"  
"Do it!" Coran yelled. 

"Pick your poison. Truth or dare?" Pidge asked Hunk.  
"If it's another, uh, decent dare like the last one you gave me, let's go with dare," he shrugged, "Might as well."  
"You have to do a successful water bottle flip 4 times in a row!" Lance, who was wearing a hat of fruits and roots carefully piled up and balanced on his head, yelled.  
"Yes!" Pidge said.  
"No." Keith said.  
They sat for a moment as Hunk stared, disappointed, at the other three.  
"Okay, fine, no," Pidge agreed.  
"That's going to be his dare, then, isn't it," Lance asked.  
"Oh, yeah," Hunk said. "Definitely," Pidge decided.

"Ah!" Shiro and Allura yelled as the flames poured out and the blob seemed to be rocked by little internal explosions, hissing and popping sounds reverberating around the room.  


"You have to tell us the story of how the seniors tagged you," Keith suggested.  
"What? No! Why?" Lance shook off the f-root hat and leaned forward. "Just because the seniors tagged me and you both once on one bad Scare Bear Day does not mean I should divulge that sensitive information."  
"Just tell us," Keith groaned.  
Pidge sighed, "Just do it, will you? We already let you change the rules to get truths only."  
Hunk complained, "Come ooooooooon."

"Shiro," Allura asked, "You wouldn't have happened to see any more of this stuff anywhere else on the ship, would you?" He stared at her for a moment, expression blank.  
"Great. I definitely wanted to deal with this today. Excellent."

"If I tell you the stupid story, will you let me switch to only dares?"  
"No, and we'd only dare you to tell us all your embarrassing stories," said Pidge.  
"Damnit."

"What is that?" Allura asked, a hint of pretty obvious disgust and disappointment in her voice.  
Shiro hesitated. "Well, you see, it's game night. We set it for today." He faltered.  
"Yes. Go on." Allura ordered.  
"And so there is a," Shiro paused and swallowed, "lion-shaped-food-goo-sculpture encased diary in the middle of my room."  
"Yes," Allura replied, "and..."  
"I'll just see what I can salvage of that solution you made. If you'll excuse me."

"So that year was year of the..." Lance faltered, "what was it? I think it was elephant-donkey-griffin-"  
"Yeah, and griffin was our first year," Hunk chimed in.  
"Which means that it was - what came before silverback?" Pidge asked.  
"Chinchilla."  
"Oh, yeah! I forgot about that. Thanks, Keith," said Hunk. "How could you forget?" asked Lance, pointing an accusing finger. "That was the best year!"  
"Considering what you did, I'd choose your words more carefully if I were you," Pidge quickly remarked. "We know what you did last-"  
A timer went off.  
"Oh, good." Keith sighed. "No more jacket-as-cape! That was getting a little too stereotypically gay."  
"What's wrong with that?" Lance teased.  
"Just not my style of gay."  
"Wait. I'm sorry, what?"

"Coran, do we have any of that solution left?" Shiro asked.  
Coran looked around and snatched up a small vial. "Spares will save your life," he said, handing over the viscous concoction. "I mean that literally. From monsters and Allura."  
Shiro stared and contemplated the vial in his hand.  
"Thank you."


	4. are we going to talk about...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 84 years
> 
>  
> 
> anyway this will be a very short chapter

It had been a long, long time since Lance could feel his face properly. Somehow he got dared into drinking a bit too much of that Altean "fun juice", as he for whatever reason remembered Pidge calling it, and they were all just now finishing cleaning the castle with a horrible cleaning prouct that smelled vaguely of ass mouthwash and lemon zest.  
All in all, it had been about two days.  
"Hey, little pals?" Lance called to the mice still scuttering near the table. They perked at attention, since they remembered Lance's dare to Hunk to make them gourmet cheese. You know from where.  
Lance didn't remember that, nor did he care why they scurried over to him, squatting by an overturned tile near the goo dispenser, so quickly.  
"Thanks, guys. Can you maybe give this right here," he handed one a paper, "to Keith, and this little friend," he handed another a paper, with the same writing on it as the other, "to Pidge and Hunk over on the viewing deck? Thank you, thank you. You're wonderful."  
He smiled at them and stood up. Then he keeled over because his legs fell asleep. Probably the cleaning product.

 

"He wants us to do what?"  
"Pidge, I'm pretty sure we read the same thing," said Hunk, leaning over Pidge's shoulder, peaking at the paper.  
"Where did he even get this? I thought all the paper got burnt durin th-"  
"Let's not talk about that."  
Pidge turned around to look at Hunk. They waived the paper in the air.  
"This is a bad idea," Pidge said, paper in their hand, "This is objectively a very, very, bad idea. We just finished cleaning up this mess."  
"This is a bad idea, you're right - it's a terrible idea," Hunk said, calming down Pidge's frantic paper-shaking with a little pat to the hand. "But you love this idea and you're 1000% going to take him up on the offer."  
Pidge sighed and eyed the paper, and put a hand on thwir hip. Then, they looked back up at Hunk.  
"I'm guessing you'll be joinin us, then?"  
"Against all my good judgement!"

 

"Oh, thanks!" Keith said to the mice that showed up with a random peice of paper. He now officially got more snail mail in space than during the entirety of his stay in the desert back on Earth. How was he supposed to know it was all for a terrible idea?  
"Meet for truth or dare at 0300. Take a nap beforehand. Bring the pain."  
Keith stared at the note.  
"Yeah, this is from Lance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short


End file.
